However, before the end of my magnificent reign, I did host a party that procured me one of the most memorable gifts I have ever received. A New Kids on the Block ACTION FIGURE. The Joey one, to be specific. Now mind you, this was when I was in 3rd or 4th grade - approximately 1988 or 1989 - long past when the Kids were actually popular, but not long enough for them to actually accumulate kitsch value.
Upon opening this present, the entire conglomerate of girls dissolved into giggles. My friend Lauren, the benefactress, laughed loudest of all - it was the best joke present she had ever given! As best I could through my shrieks of horror, I gave her the evil eye and immediately set about opening her real present.
The doll was immediately established as a sacrificial object. We girls set to work channeling our aggression towards the once-loved, now completely lame boy band by scraping poor Joey's face against the concrete walkways lining the pool. Within moments, his head was reduced to a flesh-colored pulp and we were getting ready for birthday cake.
That Joey doll stayed in our pool supply cabinet for years after, until my parents, apparently disgusted enough with the knowledge that such a "Lord of the Flies" moment had occurred in their very back yard, deposited him the trash once and for all. Sometimes I wonder what ever became of that wee action figure - did he become some dog's chew toy? Did he get melted down to make up an eyeball on a Tickle Me Elmo doll? Did some hobo at the landfill find him and give him a good home? Is he happy there? Does he ever think of his days as a pool toy? Does his wee plastic soul still hold a grudge against pre-teen girls for taking his radiant beauty?
Wherever you are, my New Kids' Joey action figure, I hope you find your way. Godspeed, little friend, Godspeed.
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